Relationship coach Monica Ricci explains why people ghost without warning

Relationship coach Monica Ricci says people who abruptly cut off contact with a romantic partner, a date, or an acquaintance, a practice known as ghosting, are usually avoiding discomfort rather than making a considered decision about the other person. Ricci describes ghosting as a sudden end to communication without any closure, and she argues that the behavior tells observers more about the person doing it than about the one left waiting for a reply.

According to Ricci, several motives can lie behind the choice. Some people fear having a difficult conversation, others do not want to disappoint the person in front of them, and some have invested so little in the relationship that they see no need to explain themselves. Ricci notes that ghosters may feel relief once the contact stops, but that relief is often accompanied by lingering guilt. Her view is that the silence is a form of avoidance that postpones an uncomfortable moment rather than eliminating it.

Ricci points to research published in the journal Sage Journals, a paper built on three studies, which found that people who have been ghosted tend to underestimate how much guilt and remorse the ghoster feels. The finding suggests that the person who disappears may be more troubled by the decision afterward than the person who was left behind expects. Ricci adds that the experience can be painful for the ghosted person in a different way, since the brain tends to search for patterns and explanations after an abrupt silence, and closure may never arrive.

Ricci's approach draws on the Gottman Method, a framework for couples therapy that she has used in her work. For anyone who wants to end a connection, she recommends a brief and direct message stating that there is no longer a sense of connection, rather than simply stopping contact. She says that clear communication, even when it is short, gives the other person something to respond to and reduces the uncertainty that fuels rumination.

Ricci also makes an important exception. She says ghosting may be the safest option only when a person is facing harassment, stalking, or abuse, situations in which direct communication could create risk. Outside of those circumstances, she argues that a short, honest message is generally the better choice for both people involved, because it reflects the ghoster's ability to communicate rather than the worth of the person they stopped responding to.

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Connor Quincy

Technology Reporter

Connor Quincy covers public affairs, politics, business, culture and daily news for Core Memo. The role focuses on verification, context, and clear explanations for readers.

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