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- Derek Weston via TIME.com
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Psychologists Say Asking for Help Is a Strength, Not a Weakness
RePsychologists Say Asking for Help Is a Strength, Not a Weakness
A psychologist explains why excessive self-reliance backfires and how to recognize when you need support, who to ask, and how to handle rejection without taking it personally.
Many adults pride themselves on needing no one, treating self-sufficiency as a virtue and asking for help as a failure. But psychologists say that excessive self-reliance is not only ineffective — it can leave people more isolated and less capable over time. Humans are social beings designed for interconnection, and the ability to ask for and accept help is what makes people stronger and more independent in the long run.
Writing in a first-person essay, a psychologist describes growing up as a parentified child who cared for her mother from a young age until her mother died seven years ago. Repelled by her mother's complete reliance on others, she swung to the opposite extreme and became a psychologist who strongly prefers to do everything herself. Over time, she learned that stoicism and excessive self-reliance are not always effective, and she now teaches patients — and reminds herself — that refusing to ask for help does a disservice to the person who needs it.
Several cognitive distortions keep people from reaching out. They believe they should handle everything alone, fear looking weak or needy, worry about rejection, or dread imposing on others. Some worry that accepting help gives the other person power or leverage, or that it creates a debt they will owe back. The psychologist acknowledges having the same thoughts and says the first step is to give oneself grace and compassion for having them, then push through anyway.
Once someone decides to seek support, the next task is figuring out what help would actually be useful and how, when, and whom to ask. Taking an inventory of needs helps clarify which ones can be met alone, which could benefit from assistance, and which may simply go unmet. As emotionally healthy adults, people are expected to meet many of their own needs, but not all of them — and that is normal.
Consider a concrete example: not wanting to attend an end-of-summer company picnic alone and preferring to bring a plus-one. There is nothing wrong with asking someone to come along, but the request should be strategic. Choose a supportive person rather than the least-social friend, ask politely, and pay attention to body language, posture, tone of voice, and word choice. Crossed arms, slumping, shrugging, avoiding eye contact, or pointing a finger signal defensiveness and do not invite people in. Making demands, threats, or insults, or insisting someone help, is off-putting and reduces the chances of getting support.
The psychologist recommends an approach drawn from Seeking Safety, a treatment originally designed for trauma survivors with co-occurring PTSD and substance abuse but whose behavioral, cognitive, and people skills have wider applicability. The method suggests starting small and practicing on safe people with simple requests. The odds of getting a ride to a job interview or a doctor's appointment are far higher than the odds of asking someone for money to cover this month's rent or the next car payment. Other resources exist as well, including the psychologist Donald Meichanbaum's extensive writing on interpersonal effectiveness, behavioral rehearsal, and problem-solving.
Even a well-made request can be refused, and the psychologist advises not taking a no personally. Most refusals are not about the person asking; they reflect the other person's time management, finances, or resources. Adam Brown, a psychologist and professor at the New School for Social Research who has studied factors contributing to mental-health risks and resilience, said strong social connections and support are among the most important protective factors when people face stress, adversity, and difficult life circumstances. Asking for help, he said, is not a sign of weakness but a form of adaptive coping that strengthens relationships, reduces isolation, and creates opportunities to gain new perspectives, learn from others, and grow.
The psychologist agrees and says she still needs that reminder when old imprints return and she feels she must have all the answers and take care of everyone but herself. Her conclusion is simple: she is human, she deserves support, connection, and help, just like everyone else — and so does anyone reading.
