Memorandum
- From
- Derek Weston via fox - Most Popular
- Date
- Filed
- Society·5 min to read
- Re
Therapist Identifies Five Common Marriage Mistakes Couples Make Unknowingly
ReTherapist Identifies Five Common Marriage Mistakes Couples Make Unknowingly
A Los Angeles relationship therapist says losing curiosity, avoiding hard conversations, and staying in maintenance mode can erode connection over time, while recent research links emotional safety to greater satisfaction.
Couples who want a happier, longer-lasting marriage may need to look beyond chemistry and compatibility, according to a Los Angeles relationship therapist who has identified five common mistakes partners make without realizing it. Tammy Nelson, a board-certified sexologist and integrative relationship therapist, said the connection that sustains a marriage requires ongoing effort, particularly as routines set in and partners begin to feel they already know everything about each other.
Nelson's guidance arrives alongside recent research published in the journal Family Process, which found that improvements in communication and emotional safety were linked to greater relationship satisfaction. She told Fox News Digital that compatibility itself is not a fixed quality. «Compatibility can feel different to different people at different times,» she said. «The relationship will go through developmental stages just like you do.»
The first mistake Nelson identified is losing curiosity about a partner, which she said can chip away at attraction over time. «That's how we fall in love, when someone's curious about us,» she said. «We're attracted to something in the space in between us — not so much when it's sitting next to us on the couch every night, and so we tend to lose that curiosity.» Even when someone believes they know a partner's food preferences, viewing habits, or sexual likes, those preferences can evolve. Nelson urged couples not to «put your partner in a box» and to keep asking who their partner is becoming, what they are thinking, and what they desire.
She noted that a lack of curiosity can make attention from outside the relationship feel especially appealing. «That's why we have affairs, right? Somebody comes along and they're fascinated by us,» she said. «We love that. And it's why we pay a therapist, so someone will ask questions about us.»
A second mistake is avoiding difficult conversations and failing to notice what goes unsaid. Nelson advised couples to «pay attention to what you're not talking about and why.» She said couples who avoid conflict may be more vulnerable than those who openly disagree. «It's not the people who fight and communicate all the time — it's the people who aren't fighting, aren't arguing, aren't communicating,» she said. She encouraged partners to identify topics that make them pull back or shut down, such as money or sex, and to lean into those discussions rather than retreat from them.
When couples do talk about sex, Nelson said focusing on complaints rather than what is working can make intimacy harder. «The key here is not to talk about what's not working or what your partner's not doing, or why you're not doing it more often,» she said. Instead, she described a «magic formula» in which partners share what they like and what is working. «The key to the universe is, you get more of what you would appreciate,» she said. «If you point out how your partner is not acting the way you want, then you're in conflict, you're defensive, you feel bad about yourself. That's not going to help, it's not very sexy.» She recommended starting with something appreciated and then something the partner would like more of, whether the couple is new or has been together for years.
Another common misstep is allowing everyday responsibilities to crowd out growth and excitement. Nelson asked couples to consider whether their relationship is primarily in «maintenance mode» or «expansion mode.» Maintenance mode involves managing shared life tasks such as paying bills and keeping the air conditioner working, which she said is essential. «We need maintenance in a relationship, just like you need maintenance at a job or just in life, but you also need expansion,» she said. Expansion mode involves trying new things together and keeping the relationship exciting. Too much maintenance without enough expansion can leave one or both partners bored and feeling stuck, she cautioned, while too much expansion can leave them feeling there is no rest and not enough connection. «All relationships need freedom and connection,» she said.
Finally, Nelson said couples may miss opportunities for connection when they feel affection but do not express it. She encouraged partners to notice the positive emotions and physical sensations they experience when thinking about their partner and to share those feelings with each other.
6
